New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
