my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
