I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
