I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We don't watch enough power rangers
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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