It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You have to summon your inner elephant
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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