The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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