she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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