I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
