Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
