At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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