tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
