Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
