Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
