When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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