It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I FOUND THE LEGS
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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