btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
