According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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