I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
