when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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