It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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