I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
