I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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