Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
