so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
