I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
