I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
