Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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