you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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