If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
