im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
