You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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