I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I need a beard to bite.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
