you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
