hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
