Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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