My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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