i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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