She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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