You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
