I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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