dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
