I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
