It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
There r osticjed everywhere
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
