I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
