Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
