my sisters under your porch take her home
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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