You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
