I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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