Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
