Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
