These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
