Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
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What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
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and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.