I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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