So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
