I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
