here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
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I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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