So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
